After The Glorious Revolution, MLS Game Officials Will Be First Against The Wall

Unless Someone Else Harshes My Autocratic Mellow (But Not Pussy Riot: They Rock)

It is I, your Beloved, and Revered, leader dropping by to say “helloooooooooooo” and to wax euphoric on the dystopian state of the world as I imagine it.  Now when oppressing the masses becomes just too much of a burden for such a sensitive, yet malevolent, soul and something less sadistic and more masochistic is needed, your beloved, and revered, leader climbs down from his throne and onto the Barcalounger and puts on the ultimate in self inflicted punishment:  a Portland Timbers game.

Even better, it was a road game “live from New York”.  And the bitter cherry on the top of the shit cake was the special promotion of the night – be an MLS referee for a game:  Jason Anno from Section 117, Row E, Seat 9 come on down and fit your pudgy little body into a not so slimming red referee uniform and just blow on the little whistle until the pea disintegrates….

Back in the dim and dark ages before the Beloved, and Revered, leader was, well, beloved and revered, he was quite a good footballer himself.  But even in the Cultural Revolution-like atmosphere of the Willamette League with its road trips to outlying rural regions by in an anonymous looking Ford Econoline van, no referee was as mediocre as the referee last night.

However, special kudos should be heaped on to the Timbers themselves.  If they could only harness the same self discipline for their defensive assignments and man marking that they do in not going ape-shit at yet another incompetent MLS match official, or retaliating on an opponent who cheap shots one of their teammates, they would have the best defense in the league.

In fact, in a moment of despotic brilliance, I, your Beloved, and Revered, leader, will send forth an expedition to locate a heart for the Timbers.  Perhaps the Tin Man is available to guide it – no, better yet, I will press gang him into leading the way:  unleash hell, release the shock battalion of flying monkeys.

Truly I have not seen such a farce since the last general election where I, your Beloved and Revered leader, only received 98% of the vote.  Perhaps Mr. Anno thought he was Earl Heppner refereeing at the Garden and Thierry Henry had actually slipped under the bottom rope and leveled Kai Kamura with a chair shot rather than the blatant Tim (I love playing with American officials) Cahill elbow to the jaw.

So now leadership responsibilities include putting match officials up against the wall.  But will I, your Beloved and Revered leader do this before the Hipsters and Engineers or after… so many autocratic decision and so little time.  Thank God that the season is nearly over….

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One Response

  1. It is fitting that just one week later, the Timbers finally get to benefit from some more mediocre refereeing when Vancouver’s most dangerous player is ejected for what can only be considered as “harbouring evil intentions”.

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